Friday, October 2, 2009
OCTOBER
October. The summer went fast. Some days I thought I couldn't live through til night. The sun beating down on my back about wore me out, took all the sweat I had and just poured it on the ground. The ground tried to to take everything from me, I sweat in it and bled in it just to have food for us all. Thusy helped some but she's courting and thinks about that more than helping me. She does keep care of the babies for me. John runs so hard all he falls asleep as soon as he eats his supper. Sweet little Jane don't hardly ever cry if I hold her, it's like she knows I'll be the one who'll love her best. She's still little enough I can swaddle her and go about my housework. I like feeling her against my chest, breathing so quiet, making little mewling sounds. I love her a powerful lot.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
BABIES IN THE HOUSE
Mine and Dan's house is full of life these days. John is still a baby and little Jane is a tiny thing but she makes the house full. I like having babies to care for, I wish I had been able to have lots more but these three were meant to be mine, Thusy, John, and Jane.
I'm back to doing my housework. The old cook stove heats the house up so bad I can hardly breathe but we have to eat. We do take to sitting down to bowls of peas and squash with a platter of tomatoes. I love tomatoes best of all, I even like to fry up some cornbread to eat with tomatoes. It surely is good.
I'm missing my sister, Nancy. We hadn't been together for more than a day since I married Dan. Then she comes to help me when I need her most, to help me with Jane.
The zinnias are blooming all over the yard and even up close to the house. I like them about as well as any flower. They don't need much from me, they just grow, like they are growing for me, to give me a splash of color when I feel so dark inside.
Some days I feel like I can't get up out of bed, like something heavy is on my chest and I can't push it off. Ever now and then I just stay in bed for a spell, I pull Jane in the bed with me and Thusy looks after John. Those days in bed are a mystery to Dan, he don't understand my dark days, even if he is a doctor. I don't tell him much about it, I can't find the words. I don't take to dogs but on those days I can see a black dog walking around my bed. It gives me a fear deep in my heart, a fear I can hardly abide. Once I tried to talk to Dan about that black dog but he told me I was going daft.
My blood is still coming after Jane being born. I don't know how to stop it. I can't say much to Dan, he just says to keep Jane at my breast, that will stop it. But I feed her day and night and still I bleed bad. I despise them bloody rags hanging on the fence.
Thusy is looking at a boy, I think. My head gets swimmy just thinking about her taking off to get married. Oh, Lord, I do love my children.
I'm back to doing my housework. The old cook stove heats the house up so bad I can hardly breathe but we have to eat. We do take to sitting down to bowls of peas and squash with a platter of tomatoes. I love tomatoes best of all, I even like to fry up some cornbread to eat with tomatoes. It surely is good.
I'm missing my sister, Nancy. We hadn't been together for more than a day since I married Dan. Then she comes to help me when I need her most, to help me with Jane.
The zinnias are blooming all over the yard and even up close to the house. I like them about as well as any flower. They don't need much from me, they just grow, like they are growing for me, to give me a splash of color when I feel so dark inside.
Some days I feel like I can't get up out of bed, like something heavy is on my chest and I can't push it off. Ever now and then I just stay in bed for a spell, I pull Jane in the bed with me and Thusy looks after John. Those days in bed are a mystery to Dan, he don't understand my dark days, even if he is a doctor. I don't tell him much about it, I can't find the words. I don't take to dogs but on those days I can see a black dog walking around my bed. It gives me a fear deep in my heart, a fear I can hardly abide. Once I tried to talk to Dan about that black dog but he told me I was going daft.
My blood is still coming after Jane being born. I don't know how to stop it. I can't say much to Dan, he just says to keep Jane at my breast, that will stop it. But I feed her day and night and still I bleed bad. I despise them bloody rags hanging on the fence.
Thusy is looking at a boy, I think. My head gets swimmy just thinking about her taking off to get married. Oh, Lord, I do love my children.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
JANE'S DARK EYES
My little Jane is the sweetest thing. She doesn't even cry but that could be that I don't ever set her down. I just rock her and hold her close. I feel like she needs me more than my other babies did, like she's going to see hard times. My heart breaks to think of it. Dan says she'll be fine but I don't know. Thusy wants to hold her but I can't hardly let go of her. John wants to kiss her on the forehead. Them being so close in age might make them close. Maybe John will try and protect her when they are older.
The air is so hot I can't breathe any too well. I'm thankful my sister is staying a few days more. I'm dreading her leaving yet I know she will. She has her own things to worry with. I didn't have no help with my other babies, didn't expect it or even think of it. Nobody gets help. It seems to me Nancy was meant to come so I could rock my little Jane. Things is meant to be. I'm already deciding I'm going to rock her ever chance I get even if I don't get things done up.
Dan's been busy these days. He says lots of babies are coming and lots of folks sick. I pray he don't bring sickness here. I couldn't abide it if I lost little Jane.
Jane has deep eyes, dark, not blue like John and Thusy. Sometimes when she looks at me I think she knows what I am thinking about her, like she doesn't want me to worry. Even Dan wonders about her eyes. He finally did pick her up. But he seems strange about her. He asked me what I did with that caul. I just let him know that it was put up. He didn't ask no more. I take it out and look at it, along with mine. I don't get much comfort from it.
The air is so hot I can't breathe any too well. I'm thankful my sister is staying a few days more. I'm dreading her leaving yet I know she will. She has her own things to worry with. I didn't have no help with my other babies, didn't expect it or even think of it. Nobody gets help. It seems to me Nancy was meant to come so I could rock my little Jane. Things is meant to be. I'm already deciding I'm going to rock her ever chance I get even if I don't get things done up.
Dan's been busy these days. He says lots of babies are coming and lots of folks sick. I pray he don't bring sickness here. I couldn't abide it if I lost little Jane.
Jane has deep eyes, dark, not blue like John and Thusy. Sometimes when she looks at me I think she knows what I am thinking about her, like she doesn't want me to worry. Even Dan wonders about her eyes. He finally did pick her up. But he seems strange about her. He asked me what I did with that caul. I just let him know that it was put up. He didn't ask no more. I take it out and look at it, along with mine. I don't get much comfort from it.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
MAY 23, 1871
Our little Jane was born early this morning. I barely felt her come, almost didn't have time to call Dan. She came right there in the bed without the birthing rags I had ready.
She's a special baby, a caulbearer. Even though Dan brings lots of babies, he was shocked to see the caul on his own child. He said it was his first. I had wondered if I would have such a child. I was a caulbearer myself. I never told Dan, didn't know how he would take it.
I helped Dan take it off little Jane's face, it came easy. I had Dan bring me a clean rag and some paper, I spread it out and set it by the bed to dry. She opened her little eyes and looked right at me. We understood each other from that moment. She had sorrow in her eyes. My heart broke to think of it. She would know things she won't want to know and feel things that will nearly kill her. I know the heartache it will bring. Yet it is her way.
My granny had the sight, she was a caulbearer too. Not my mama though. Granny said it skips sometimes, it looks for a strong mind. My granny comforted me when I knew things, she held me when I cried yet didn't know why. She knew I couldn't tell her in words but while she held me against her chest she would tell me what brought my tears. I was scared sometimes, like I knew when the flood was coming and when I saw Pappy die in the yard. My granny told me not to tell what I knew except to her. It would cause me grief, she said, nobody would understand, they would say I was daft.
My granny saved my caul and gave it to me when I was 12. She told me never to let it be far away from me, to look at it now and then, keep it dry. I'll put little Jane's caul with mine and give it to her when she is 12 or earlier if I think she needs to have it near her. I don't know what Dan will say about this. He dotes on the children but he is shaken. He hasn't held the baby, says she needs to be with me and not handled, her being so little. Anyway, I don't ever want to put her down.
John has peeped in the door and I told Thusy to bring him to see Jane. I can see the love in his eyes for this baby sister. Thusy, too, but John more. Jane looks back at him with dark eyes. She knows him already.
I'll rest today. My sister, Nancy, has been sent for, she will help me a bit. It'll be a comfort to have her with me. I love my sisters so much it hurts me. I wish we could see each other some.
Little Jane is resting, her dark eyes closing in sleep. She knows how much I love her. I can tell by the way she lays her hand on my chest.
She's a special baby, a caulbearer. Even though Dan brings lots of babies, he was shocked to see the caul on his own child. He said it was his first. I had wondered if I would have such a child. I was a caulbearer myself. I never told Dan, didn't know how he would take it.
I helped Dan take it off little Jane's face, it came easy. I had Dan bring me a clean rag and some paper, I spread it out and set it by the bed to dry. She opened her little eyes and looked right at me. We understood each other from that moment. She had sorrow in her eyes. My heart broke to think of it. She would know things she won't want to know and feel things that will nearly kill her. I know the heartache it will bring. Yet it is her way.
My granny had the sight, she was a caulbearer too. Not my mama though. Granny said it skips sometimes, it looks for a strong mind. My granny comforted me when I knew things, she held me when I cried yet didn't know why. She knew I couldn't tell her in words but while she held me against her chest she would tell me what brought my tears. I was scared sometimes, like I knew when the flood was coming and when I saw Pappy die in the yard. My granny told me not to tell what I knew except to her. It would cause me grief, she said, nobody would understand, they would say I was daft.
My granny saved my caul and gave it to me when I was 12. She told me never to let it be far away from me, to look at it now and then, keep it dry. I'll put little Jane's caul with mine and give it to her when she is 12 or earlier if I think she needs to have it near her. I don't know what Dan will say about this. He dotes on the children but he is shaken. He hasn't held the baby, says she needs to be with me and not handled, her being so little. Anyway, I don't ever want to put her down.
John has peeped in the door and I told Thusy to bring him to see Jane. I can see the love in his eyes for this baby sister. Thusy, too, but John more. Jane looks back at him with dark eyes. She knows him already.
I'll rest today. My sister, Nancy, has been sent for, she will help me a bit. It'll be a comfort to have her with me. I love my sisters so much it hurts me. I wish we could see each other some.
Little Jane is resting, her dark eyes closing in sleep. She knows how much I love her. I can tell by the way she lays her hand on my chest.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)